/ Monday, August 14, 2006
I felt so lost suddenly, and i've no idea why. A sudden feel of emptiness just existed inside me. And i really can't explain the reason, it just came. Am i on the verge of mental breakdown? The moment i opened my books, i saw that there was simply so much to study. What's going on Jestyn? When did this ever happened? What happened to your happy-go-lucky spirit?
When was the last time i felt so lost? I don't remember. As i stood there, dwelling and brooding upon the things which happened. Was it because of the cursing and swearing i got from marcus? Just because i couldn't attend the chalet? Or best, i could only appear on the second day? It's not like i had the choice, does it? My aunt asked me to accompany her on her trip, knowing that she hadn't brought me to a trip for ages and i loved shopping. Besides my aunt too, love to shop. And all my overseas trip with my parents always exclude shopping. Is it wrong to do so? Sometimes, i feel that i'm closer to my aunts and uncles rather than my parents.
And i just had a big quarrel with my mom. Yeah, i know it's an 'again' situation. But can't she just be more reasonable and understanding? I'm playing a game of DotA with my cousin and she had to butt in and demand this and that. Just because my sis's computer screen doesn't light up, and it's like i'm the one at fault. I've already given you the reason, and you think that i'm plain lazy. Will you please stop being bias and unreasonable once and for all? When i told you that my laptop is coming out with a 'buzzing' sound, and eversince my sister used it, you said that i'm lying just because i want a new laptop.
Yes, i did said that i wanted a new one. But i never demanded anything from you. Did I? I merely made a comment, since my laptop is old, and it's time to change that's all. I didn't go up to your face and said, "I want a new latop NOW!" How i wish that you were as understanding and reasonable as my aunt. And everytime you complain that why i'm not like a certain someone. Well, if you think so highly of him, then why don't you go and adpot him as your godson? So that you can shower all your love and praises on him. Rather than venting out all your frustrations and biasness on me.
Although you treated my brothers and sisters way better than me, I've never complained. I can still remember clearly the pain and humiliation i suffered during the period they are facing now. And my brothers and sisters are like, having the time of their lives. Even though my brother's PSLE is like next week, he's still free to go out with his friends and mingle around. Without a care. I never had any of these previlages when i was his age. And my sister is going from bad to worse. I can't 'control' her anymore. She's getting wilder by the day and i seriously won't be suprise when she ends up astray. I know that me, as their elder brother, should be doing something. But there's a limit to what i can do, and with your biasness, how much can be done?
Do you think talking nicely helps? If it does, it would've worked long ago. Do you think that's I've to wait till now? And what about using force? They would've cried and complained to you about it and in the end, I'm the one who's the bad guy.
And my sister is one hell of a lucky girl and my brother is the apple of my parent's eyes. In their eyes, they're perfect, and i'm the one that is tainted. My sister that she wanted to go to Australia to study and my mom said ok, and by the time she finishes her 'O' Levels, she get to go. I know that this might be alittle too early to say, but i can't believe that my mom could be so nice to her and gave her a straight answer straight away. As for my little brother, he's one that my mum and dad really dotes on. He gets what he wants and wins every argument. He's the prince of the family. He wanted a new handphone, he gets it. He wanted a new monitor screen, he gets it. Whatever he wanted, he gets it. And me? Well, when i said that i wanted to go overseas to study, my mom laughed at my idea, saying that i was being ridiculous and she'll never pay for it. Told me that i'm to work, and save enough to go myself. I said i wanted a new handphone, she said that my phone is still fine and in working order and i don't need a new one. She told me that once i'm done with my gym session last sunday, give her a call and she and my dad will pick me up.
In the end? "Oh, we are so out of the way and it doesn't make any sense to pick you up" Before that she was saying, "OK, so when you're done, give us a call and we'll come and pick you up. We will be at your grandfather's place( which is nearby )." I clearly remembered the words. So who's the one twisting and turning the words? I said that if you are so demanding, why don't you try looking at it and tell me what's happening? And you said that i said this, "you asked me to do it myself!" Hello! I never said that all right? Stop making assumptions and please stop "volunteering me" to do chores for you. In front of other people also. Just because you want some face. If i were to do it, i'll do it myself. I don't need anyone to volunteer in my behalf. All right? And so, if you favour my siblings so much, I shall leave their welfare in your care then. So please, don't say that because I'm their elder brother or something along that line. Since you care for them more than you for me, their future is in your hands. If they become successful or astray, I'm in no position to control anything, all right?
I just want to lead my life according to how i want it to be. I want to write my own life-story using my own pen. Not yours or anyone else. Your pen is used for writing my other sibling's lives. Not mine. You can think that i'm like a bird who has wings and capable of flying. If that's the case, just let me be all right? If you choose to think that way.
And i apologise to the Higher Powers up there for any disrespectful thoughts or actions i've done or said or thought today. I don't mean any disrespect or unfillial, it's just that, sigh, i've no idea how to put this down in words either. I hope the Higher Powers up there do.
And one more thing, i seriously wonder, if you do visit my blog? Well, if you do, please, let me apologise for anything wrong that i've caused you. i just hope that, we would still be friends, like in the past. It really doesn't matter if we're together or not. Loving a person doesn't necessarily meant that we've to be together. I just want you to be happy, with whoever you may choose to be. But i want you to know this, i'll always be there for you spiritually and emotionally, and waiting for the chance which i know would never be given.
Please don't take any offense from what is written here. All these words were from the bottom of my heart, which has been there for a very long long time.
Frankly speaking, after saying all these out, i seriously felt so much better. Seems like the feeling of lost is gone, and the old Jestyn is back. I hope...
/Hopped!
8:33 PM
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